I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
