he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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