If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
