Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
