nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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