So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
