my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
