your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
