I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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