I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
