your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
