i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
