hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
