I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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