Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
