I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
