so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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