I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
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Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
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IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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