Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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