Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
