update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
