Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
