'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
