I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
