got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
