My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
A bitchslap is in order.
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