On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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