I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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