did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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