My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
