I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
not ubering you a puppy
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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