So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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