I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
