So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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