I am puke
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
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Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
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For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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