Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
