Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
