All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
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I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
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Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
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