He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
