What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
this beer tastes like vomit already
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
