seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
