I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
