What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
