I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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