And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
