I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
