I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
cat food counts as protein by the way
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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