I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
