Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
