i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she told me i tasted like america
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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