I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
