my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Randomize
