She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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