Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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