Me too!
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
