It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
