worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
