Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
