why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
