I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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